Doctor
by Rashelle
Summary: Mustang and his subordinates-including Ed-are at the doctor's office for a mandatory check-up. Take pity on the doctor...


Ok, so this is my first story. It's a oneshot, obviously. Crack, maybe? Mustang and his subordinates (Including Ed) are going to the doctor's office for a check-up! It's mandatory (Ordered by the Fuhrur himself.), otherwise, we knew NONE of them would be there. The story is hopefully self explanatory, and I'd say this is when Ed is 14. Al does not show up at all. Now, I DO NOT OWN FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST… and happy reading… DOCTOR

Dr. Rayne chewed his lip nervously. In front of him sat the most well-known unit in Eastern Command. A State Alchemist, and his loyal subordinates; plus a much younger, State Alchemist… who happened to be extremely small… The poor doctor considered retiring right then and there.

"Hello..." He said, hesitant.

The 7 military officers looked up at him. Expressionless onyx eyes. Watchful amber eyes. Determined brilliant gold eyes. Dr. Rayne truly did not know how to interpret this particular mandatory visit to the clinic.

"So you all seem to hold up steady health records, though some of you tend to receive more injuries than others," Rayne glanced at Ed while some of the other officers snickered. Edward scowled.

"I'm...Uh, just going to have to do a few ch-checkup things for all of y-you," Rayne stuttered.

Colonel Roy Mustang, the leader of the unit, nodded slightly. Edward Elric sunk down in his chair, his arms crossed. Dr, Rayne had his own questions about the Fullmetal Alchemist, but he kept them to himself.

A nurse poked her face in the doorway. "Ms. Lieutenant Hawkeye? Could you come with me, please? We've set you up in a separate room." (**You think I'd be cruel enough to leave Hawkeye in there with THEM? Well, Hawkeye wouldn't have any trouble; it'd be the health of the other officers I'm doing this for.**)

Havoc was obviously trying to look appealing to the cute nurse, who was ignoring him.

Then the nurse noticed Ed. "Oh! Your children don't have to be in here with you. We've got a waiting room for kids."

The nurse's intentions were genuine, but that hardly mattered to the ticked off alchemist.

"No," Ed gritted his teeth, his eye twitching. "I'm in the unit with them."

The nurse smiled at him. "Don't worry! I'm not trying to upset you. You'd just rather be out there. I take it you want to grow up and be like Dad? That's great, but you're still a little young..." she had a voice that only kindergarten teachers could use.

Ed screamed. "I'M THE FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST, LADY! AND I DON'T WANT TO BE ANYTHING LIKE THAT D*** B******! H***, I'D RATHER BE RELATED TO THESE IDIOTS!"

The nurse seemed taken aback.

"He really is a subordinate of mine," Mustang sighed lazily.

"Oh...um..." the nurse fidgeted, and Hawkeye nudged her out the door. It clicked softly behind them, and Ed finally sat back down.

"How old did she think he was?" Breda inquired.

"Five?" Havoc snickered. 

"I'M NOT SHORT, D******!" Ed shrieked.

"That's not what he said, Ed!" Fuery tried to calm the steaming alchemist down. "It's just that..."

"...Your physique is more similar to a 10 year old's than a 14 year old's," Falman finished. 

"GAHHH!" Ed took hold of some of his hair. "I'm not short!" He said defiantly.

Dr. Rayne coughed, quickly catching the attention of the six men. "Um... Mr. Elric? Please come up here..." Rayne squeaked.

Ed complied, scowling the whole time.

"P-please take off your shoes and coat."

Leaving the requested items in an ungrateful heap in the floor, Ed followed Dr. Rayne over to the scale, his different footsteps loud in the room.

Ed stepped onto the platform, his face obviously saying he thinks he could put his time to better use.

The shaking doctor recorded the results. "You're rather...heavy for your age and...hei-" Remembering Edward's explosion towards his height, Rayne decided against his words.

Ed snorted. "Does this look light to you?" Ed held up his left leg, wiggling his automail toes.

"Oh...but for one piece of automail, that's still-" Ed pushed up his right sleeve.

"Oh. Anything else...mechanical? Heavier than it should be...?" _So that's where_ _'Fullmetal' came from_, the doctor thought.

"Nope." 

"Now, tell me, Edward-"

"Ed," the alchemist cut in. "Edward sounds like you're going to kill me." (Gotta love that one, whoever first came up with it!)

"Yes...ah, Ed. Do you have any allergies, medication, or bad habits?"

Ed shrugged. "Don't think so..."

"Cracks at his height," someone coughed lowly.

"I'M NOT $&#%*** SHORT!"

Dr. Rayne decided to leave it out of the file. He DID value his life.  
>"P-please remove your shirt, and sit on the table over there..." Dr. Rayne glanced up from his clipboard at teenager who was glaring at the other officers. "Maybe I don't want to with THEM watching." Ed muttered lowly, "Perverts."<p>

Mustang made a note of searching his clothes for his gloves.

"Fine..." Ed grudgingly took off his shirt and slinked over to the 'retarded' table.

Rayne had to admit; the kid was extremely fit for his age. But taking away from his body was a) the automail, and b) the scars that danced across his torso. The doctor continued on with all of the regular stuff that doctors do, and finally came to the last item on his list of check-up document.

"Uh...to finish up, I'll just need to measure you..."

The door slammed and a blue light flashed, alchemy sealing off the door, faster than Rayne thought he could ever possibly blink.

The officers all sweat dropped, and Dr. Rayne stared at the door, his mouth slightly agape.

Colonel Mustang sighed as he stood up and fished his ignition glove out of his pocket. He slipped it on.

"I apologize in advance for the wall. I'll go get Fullmetal."

The colonel snapped and a small explosion blew a hole in the wall, which the Flame Alchemist easily stepped through. He calmly walked off, leaving Rayne with his subordinates.

They were all chuckling when Hawkeye stepped through the hole-for-a-door with a sucker in her mouth. Then they shut up. Havoc, Breda, Falman, and Furey might have laughed at the military woman with candy in her mouth, but they were much smarter-They didn't want their brains blown out.

Dr. Rayne was convinced he needed serious therapy. And he hadn't had NEARLY enough coffee this morning. H***, a month's worth of coffee couldn't handle that particular visit. He did all the other officer's check-ups, while contemplating his day. A teenage state alchemist was running around the clinic without a shirt, refusing to be measured, while in pursuit the angry Flame Alchemist was destroying the building, looking for his fleeing subordinate.

Shouts, gunshots, and explosions rocked the building, while Dr. Rayne also happened to see the most feared female officer in the East with a _lollypop _in her mouth. He decided he was going to get therapy and retire. For life. Even if he was only 45 years old. His life was so messed up; it was safe to say it was _over_.  
>That night, the Fullmetal Alchemist had not yet been dragged back to his patient room, and hadn't even been seen for a few hours.<br>Dr. Rayne sighed pitifully as he trudged over to the nearest bar. No way in h*** could he live to tomorrow in his right mind.  
><strong>-After Colonel Mustang's unit reported to the doctor's office, the doctor who saw them was proclaimed missing the next day, and was never seen again. Some report to say they saw him looking at retirement brochures, but sensible people wave this off as a stupid rumor. What doctor retires so young?- <strong>

**And there you have it! My first story… oh joy. Don't kill me… Please? Now… I SHALL GO EAT BREAKFAST!**


End file.
